You’ve probably heard people say the phrase, “New year, new me,” as if a new rotation around the sun will immediately bring change. At the beginning of the year, there is so much talk of renewal, refreshing, cleansing, changing. January 1st is when so many people decide they are going to start new habits, change old ways, be something newer and better. New Year’s Resolutions. That’s the big thing. Making a list of goals or things to do in the upcoming year. 

Let me just start by saying my husband is incredibly patient. I look back at 2014 and am amazed we ended up getting married. He took on some incredible burdens and carried them for me. He was thrown into a lot of unpredictable situations and he brought them to God while patiently and slowly working through them. I love Jared.

We all come from something. Something that shapes us, creates us, makes us who we are. We all have parents, whether they were (or are) present or not, we all have them. No matter the circumstance, I think most kids have things they wish their parents knew. I bet most of us would look back on our childhoods and wish our parents would have done something differently, would have done more of something, would have changed something.

I have no idea if anyone else grew up hearing this. But when I was growing up, I remember the word “forgive” always being followed with “…and forget”. I could not forget. It didn’t work for me. I could (and still can) remember every detail of whatever happened in many situations. Sometimes it would hurt all over again.

The seizure I had during my student teaching wasn’t new.

I have wanted to be a teacher for most of my life and I love music. I went to college to be a music teacher.

2021 was a dark year. I started off that January with a pregnancy loss. My brain broke. My heart broke.

Come September I was still completely shattered, that was the height of my struggle.

I felt God went silent on me, in fact, I would frequently wake up in the night with panic attacks, believing that He somehow had left my side. Helpless.

When I need to remember something, I take note of it. I’ll put it in my calendar, add it to a note on my phone, scribble it down on a notepad, pin it to my pinterest board, anything I can do to save it. Sometimes the things I need to remember are different than a phone number, a date, or a recipe. Sometimes I need to remember foundational things like the power of taking a deep breath..or who I am in Christ. Sometimes I will work so hard to remember a birthday (or what color cheese my kids like this week) but I’ll completely forget about the key things that affect my day to day life.

When we were younger, I always felt like I needed to watch out for her. As we’ve gotten older, I find, more and more often, that she is the one looking out for me. She has an incredible amount of patience and wisdom and I enjoy any time spent with her. I am so proud of her decision to share her story and so thankful that she has allowed me to share it with you.

We have a year we call “the dark year”. I think everyone probably has a dark year...or two, or three. I’ve heard alot of people say 2021 and 2022 were the worst years of their life. Maybe as you get older you end up with several blocks of time that were especially terrible. Either way, these are almost always times of growth-which is extremely annoying.

The first time I remember having feelings of anxiety was in eighth grade. Looking back, I can identify it, I can give those feelings a name.