GOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

We all come from something. Something that shapes us, creates us, makes us who we are. We all have parents, whether they were (or are) present or not, we all have them. No matter the circumstance, I think most kids have things they wish their parents knew. I bet most of us would look back on our childhoods and wish our parents would have done something differently, would have done more of something, would have changed something. It’s so easy to critique people based on their past choices and decisions. Especially when that someone is a parent: the person who MADE you, who is supposed to nurture and raise you. We all have “stuff” from our parents and the people who raised us. It’s the way life is, the nature of the way God created us to be. There are so many times in the Bible where God refers to generations being affected by the generations before them. This is especially apparent in the old testament as we watch the Isrealite’s journey to the promised land. Because of one generation’s obedience, there is reward to the next generations. Because of another generation’s lack of faith, there are consequences to the generations after them. As a rule, our choices are never things that stay only with us. Our choices affect others-even those we will never meet. My parents were affected by the choices and actions of their parents. Those things caused them to make choices and actions in their parenting that affected my sister and I. Our parents’ choices and actions are affecting the way my sister and I parent our children. And it will continue to trickle down and down and down.

I don’t know about anyone else, but this thought is absolutely terrifying to me. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing as a parent. I feel like my husband and I are just making it up as we go. Oops, guess we shouldn’t let our four year old have caffeine. (As he is, quite literally, bouncing off the walls at 10:30pm). We are always watching other parents trying to figure out what tricks they have that we can steal. Same with parenting books! There are so many resources, but nothing can prepare you for the reality of minute-to-minute, day-to-day parenting. (If you find someone who does not agree, please, oh pleeeasssee send them my way. I would LOVE to know the secret.) I look at my beautiful children and wonder, “How am I going to mess them up?” It is a thought that plagues me. When they are adults and look back at their time at home, what will they remember? Will they remember the times I lost my cool and yelled at them? Will they remember when I grabbed them a little too tight as I “helped” them to their room? Or will they remember the times I spent playing with them, the times I read to them, when I prayed with them after we had a disagreement? Will they remember coloring together? Will they remember me as angry, curt, impatient? Or will they remember me as a flawed mother who was also gracious, kind, warm, and loving? My kids are still really young so I know I have much to learn on this topic. But I have realized that I need to have a shift in perspective. I will never be everything I need to be to my children. I am an imperfect human being and my sin will affect my children. There is urgency for us to strengthen our relationship with God and model that relationship for our children. But we are not their masters. We are not their great creators. We cannot change the innermost parts of who they are. Someone told me they heard Beth Moore talking about creating funds for her children for future counseling sessions she knew they would need. Woohoo, Beth! I think I need to get on that train and start saving now. While I can’t shield my children from the inevitable pain my choices and actions may cause them, I can shift my focus to the one who can. I can ask for guidance on how to prepare them and how to help them heal. God, I don’t know what I’m doing. Give me direction on how to guide my children to use their gifts for you.