HOLDING ON TO HOPE: KAT'S STORY

I’ve known this sweet lady for a few years. I’ve been able to see evidence of her faith as she has grown and dealt with this struggle. She is strong and determined. She has grown into a great warrior for the Lord.

2021 was a dark year. I started off that January with a pregnancy loss. My brain broke. My heart broke.

Come September I was still completely shattered, that was the height of my struggle.

I felt God went silent on me, in fact, I would frequently wake up in the night with panic attacks, believing that He somehow had left my side. Helpless.

It was a message by Louie Giglio that the Lord used to break through my dark nights. He says,

“In the middle of the dark hour if you build the Lord a throne of praise, He will come and sit on that throne of praise.”

And I needed the Lord to come sit with me.

So I praised, and that’s where my healing began.

In a few sentences, share the story of how and when you began your relationship with Jesus.

I was 16 and not on a very good path. I grew up in a Christian household and I pushed Him away for so long.

Then I finally realized - I couldn’t fix my life without Him. I couldn’t produce any good fruit apart from Him. So I completely surrendered.

When did you first realize you struggle with _______ (anxiety, depression, eating disorder, strained relationships, etc.)?

I didn’t realize I was suffering with anxiety and depression till I was 21.

After realizing your struggle, do you remember the first times you experienced those feelings?

I was in 7th grade, and I remember it was so hard for me to fall asleep at night because my thoughts would bring on so much anxiety I would have panic attacks.

Did the realization of your struggle have an impact on the way you view yourself as a follower of Christ?

Oh yeah. I thought being a follower of Christ I’d be exempt from this anxiety and depression. So, I thought maybe either I wasn’t really saved, or maybe God really wasn’t good.(Both lies).

Tell about the height of your struggle.

I would say I struggled with OCD.

Not the cleaning kind, and not the hand washing kind. The obsessive intrusive thoughts. They call it pure O. So, say I have a thought like, “What if you don’t really love your kids?” My brain would spiral. I had to know with 100% certainty that I would never ever not love my kids, but my brain would challenge me. I would have more thoughts like, “You know you do get annoyed with them a lot.” And that led into questioning every thing I said and did as a mother. What I fed them, how I dressed them, if there was any error, or ‘failure’ my brain would go, “See. You don’t really love them.” It felt true.

It was exhausting. And that was just a ‘light example of my struggle. I had an array of obsessive thoughts. Some were dark, very dark. I thought I was going crazy.

What are some ways you feel you have (or started to) overcome your struggle?

My intrusive thoughts don’t ‘stick’ anymore.

I don’t give them meaning.

I don’t try to figure them out.

How did friends/family help or encourage you in your struggle?

My husband was so gracious and patient during my wrestle with God. He ‘spoon fed’ me truth. I would have panic attacks and he’d read the Bible to me, pray over me, and hold me. It brought us closer together.

I also had this one friend, who challenged me greatly in my walk with God, and I will forever be grateful for this woman. She guided me in completely deconstructing my false beliefs, and pointing me straight back to scripture. She asked me the heart probing questions.

“Why do you believe what you believe?”

“Who is God?”

How can you see God working in your life despite (or because of) your struggle?

After believing so many lies for so long I’ve never been so passionate about God’s Word. It’s living. It’s breathing. It’s truth. And when you’re dealing with intrusive thoughts, you need truth. The Bible is your weapon.

What are your go-to Bible verses/passages?

Jeremiah 29:11

1 John 4:4

Romans 4:18

Do you have any songs that encourage you on days you are struggling?

For obsessive thoughts I’ll have “Raise a hallelujah”, and “Evidence” by Josh Baldwin.

What advice or words of encouragement would you give to someone who is going through a similar struggle?

Get your journal out. Write down the lies you’re believing, then go to scripture and find passages to replace it with. Over and over. Memorize them.

Fight the good fight of faith.

What advice or words of encouragement would you give to FRIENDS OR FAMILY of someone who is going through a similar struggle?

Dig into your Bible.

*all quotes and answers to the questions above have been posted with permission.