I have no idea if anyone else grew up hearing this. But when I was growing up, I remember the word “forgive” always being followed with “…and forget”. I could not forget. It didn’t work for me. I could (and still can) remember every detail of whatever happened in many situations. Sometimes it would hurt all over again.

I distinctly remember thinking about a situation in middle school. I had forgiven a friend for doing something that hurt me. But I would keep thinking about it and still being hurt. I remember sitting on my bed and writing in my journal about how I felt like a bad Christian because I couldn’t forget about what the person had done to me. I thought that since I was still thinking about it and since I was still hurt that I hadn’t really forgiven her. As I wrote all of this down (probably wayyy more dramatically than I wrote it here), I just felt a sense of failure. I felt like I was letting God down.

As we get older, we realize the things that hurt us are bigger. They are more. They affect more than just us, it can trickle into our other relationships with family and friends. People are hard. They do things that don’t make sense. Yeah, we should forgive but are we really supposed to forget? Is forgiving someone just something you decide on one day and then somehow completely wash the whole incident out of your mind forever? How? And why? I don’t think that’s how God intended it to be.

There’s a story in Mark where Peter asked Jesus about forgiveness. Peter is my guy. I feel like I relate to him in many of the things he does. He acts and then thinks, he loves hard, he asks questions, he is pretty direct, he’s either aaaaalllll in or he’s out. Anyway, Peter comes to Jesus and asks if forgiving someone seven times is enough. In a world where “toxic people” is an overused phrase and we have a term coined “cancel culture”, I don’t think someone would last anywhere close to seven times. They’d be done after one-mayyybe two-things. We do not live in a world of grace. Jesus responds by basically saying, “Hey bud, good thought. But actually, you should be forgiving them 70xs that. Nice try though 👍.” Jesus wasn’t telling him the magic number was 490 times. After that…donezo. Cancel ‘em. No. He was telling him that you’re basically going to keep forgiving forever and ever.

What I’m learning is that forgiveness doesn’t mean you let people keep doing harmful things to you over and over and you just smile and hug them and pretend like nothing happened. Forgiveness is freeing them from your anger. Letting go of bitterness towards that person. That doesn’t mean you keep letting them hurt you. It doesn’t mean you won’t still be hurt by the memory of what they did. We were created to remember bad things as a way to protect ourselves. When a toddler touches a hot stove, they remember that. They stay away from the stove. Painful memories will come up. It is our job to figure out how to process those memories and how to deal with them in a Godly way. For some, this might require professional therapy or counseling. For others, wise counsel from a friend or mentor may be what is needed (another reason why community is so important).

The other thing I’m learning is that forgiveness isn’t even for the other person. Forgiveness is for me. Ephesians 4:31-32 says “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” If I choose not to forgive, I will grow angry and bitter. I’ve been there. It’s not super fun. I heard a pastor say that being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s just foolish. But how do you get rid of bitterness? I don’t know about other people but for me, it took time, prayer, patience, safe friends, therapy, and medication.

Luckily, I haven’t found anywhere in the Bible that tells us to forgive and forget. But it does tell us over and over again to forgive just as God forgives us. Boy oh boy, am I glad that God forgives over and over again.