The seizure I had during my student teaching wasn’t new. I had my first one in eighth grade, my second my sophomore year of high school, and they kept getting closer together until they were less than one month apart when I was in college. I know, and I knew then, that I really had the best case scenario with seizures. There are people who have hundreds of seizures a day and it affects their ability to care for themselves day to day. That was not my situation. My friends and I had a lighthearted attitude about it. We made jokes. I don’t really remember being afraid to have a seizure. It was just something that happened sometimes like throwing up or tripping. It wasn’t super fun, but it happened.

I wasn’t diagnosed for a long time because the seizures were so far apart. We didn’t know what was triggering them and I wasn’t on any medication. So there was no way to try to force one when I had gotten EEGs or done any other testing. Those tests usually came back clear. I went to many many many different doctors. I heard many different theories on what was causing them and had many suggestions on how to fix them. It was low blood sugar-make sure you eat and drink consistently. It was hormone related-take supplements to regulate. It was caused by a pinched spine-come in for spinal therapy everyday for 3 months. (That’s a slight exaggeration.) It’s because of stress-do chiropractic care and acupuncture and supplements to relax. It’s a food allergy-try this diet for 30 days. Try this brand new brainstem surgery that gives an electric shock to your brain.

Needless to say, I was tired of trying to figure out why I was having seizures. When I had the seizure during my student teaching, I was ready to try someone new and something new.

I went to a new neurologist who recommended a week-long EEG. Google images of EEG and imagine that hookup for a week in a hospital. It was so super fun…kidding. BUT at the end of it, they saw some activity in my brain that made them think I had a type of epilepsy that had no trigger. My brain just creates a buildup of energy between neurons and it has seizures to release the excess energy. I was diagnosed with epilepsy.

Having a diagnosis was equal parts relief and fear. With the diagnoses, I went from having a random “thing” to having a disability with no cure. Yeah, I could take medication to manage it but it wasn’t going to cure the seizures. I had answers and I had a “solution” to the problem. I also now had a fear of having a seizure. If I had a seizure, it meant the medication, the solution, wasn’t working. I didn’t know how to process that.

Because of epilepsy, I have had 3 concussions, two black eyes, medical debt, too many ER visits to count, arguments, anxiety, anger, depression, confusion, and relational strain.

Because of epilepsy, I have been surrounded by people who care about me-those who love Jesus and those who don’t. Because of epilepsy, I was checked on frequently, texted constantly, and watched closely. Because of epilepsy, I didn’t have space or time to go through with any of the plans I had to end my life. Because of epilepsy, I have had conversations with many other people who have issues with seizures. Because of epilepsy, I long for healing and eternity in Heaven.

Because of epilepsy, I have a story of brokenness and future restoration. I tell my kids, my brain is broken. It’s the way God made me and God doesn’t make mistakes.